Let me just say up front that Victor seems like a righteous dude who is completely justified in being proud of his eponymous B&B and the services he provides. And while the website may be an Angelfire/Geocities refugee from the early ’90s and the beds seem to come covered in pillows and/or towels, it’s clearly a labor of love and everything is photographed accurately. If I’m ever in Granada, Spain, I’d have no problems staying with Victor.
The Hotel Gardenia website has a pretty extensive photo gallery - including the contents of a minibar and complimentary toiletries - and they crammed all manner of things into each picture as well. So as you can imagine, I had a lot to work with.
Remember in Highlights Magazine for Children, they had those side-by-side pictures that seemed identical at first, but you had to find six differences between the two pictures?
Now you do.
And, of course, we have the obligatory useless hallway photo, complete with terrifying fake foliage of some sort:
I hope those rooms actually have doors. Let’s move on to the dining facilities, shall we?
MEAT MOUNTAIN! Breakfast, or science fair?
And for your leisurely pursuits, the hotel apparently offers multiple games of cut-throat poker. Because I can’t imagine any other reason why they would choose to cover those tables in such a garish shade of green.
Finally, this is an amusing switcheroo. Below is the photo of the pool area as seen on Venere’s website:
Fetching! And here is the picture on the hotel’s direct website:
The attention whore has been replaced by an urn. Please, think of the children.
I found this hotel on Venere.com, one of my favorite hotel sites not only for Unfortunate Hotels inspiration, but also for booking absolutely adorable hotels for myself and friends all over Europe.
The pictures did not disappoint, particularly those of beds that look like they were designed by Jacques Cousteau in a fit of nostalgia for his days on the undulating sea:
But as always, I plug the hotel into the Googles to see what’s going on with their own site. And this is when I got confused.
I’m taken to PUHIT S.A., where my first thought is, “The guy on the right and the girl on the left should totally get together.”
PUHIT S.A. is a company with many years of experience and with an established position on the market of hotel and conference services.
Uh, OK. Can I book a freaking room in Warsaw on here or not? I click on the come-hither girl, and am taken to PUHIT:: Puhit Puhit, and now I’ve got spittle all over my keyboard from saying this 15 times and laughing.
I have yet to see the phrase, “Atos Hotel” anywhere. But there is lots of other talk that I would be excited about if I were in middle management:
focus on a continuous improvement of the customer service and hotel infrastructure
our own dedicated conference facilities
the diversity of our offer
seven buildings with the total surface of 16 thousand square meters
Finally, I happen upon a page that has hotel names on it - lots of them. Ten of them, to be exact. And there… oh… there’s Hotel Atos! Great, let me book the room!
Unfortunately, I get caught up in a web of corporate speak and bad translation, and now I’m just tired and want to sleep in my own bed:
differentiated decoration and equipment are valued and liked by the clients of the centre
Hospitalization and nice service will make that the meal is condumed in nice atmosphere. (!!! Love.)
guests can use also the box with drinks
In the hotel there is a intimate hall, perfect to conduct trainings
The persons travelling by cars can leave them on the fence paid car park.
the night offer was prepared with the rooms not contaminatd with tobacco smoke
Traditional Polish hospitalization and attractive conditions of the stay make that the hotel is a perfect proposal for the tourists and businessmen.
In the Unfortunate Hotels rating system, I have two separate yet equally important pet peeves: The things they choose to show in pictures, and the websites themselves. These are my stories.
I don’t even know what this is supposed to be a picture of. Does this hotel have only one room? What is wrong with this street that it would be absolutely impossible to get a decent picture of the outside of the building?
I hope you don’t have to exit this area quickly, because you’d kill yourself trying not to trip over all that furniture. Also, this had better be in some kind of suite. I can’t imagine enjoying a breakfast for two while an old couple from Des Moines are sitting in those armchairs loudly talking about how they hope there’s a Mc Donald’s nearby.
Now that we’ve rounded up the suspects, let’s take a look at the prosecution of this case. DUNH-DUNH:
OK, you know Apple products? Or, rather, how Apple promotes those products, against a clean, white background with a Photoshopped reflective surface?
Of course you do. And, so does this web designer. But unfortunately, he was called away for an emergency the day they taught how to properly invert pictures to give the illusion of a reflective surface.
Your Honor, this is clearly an Unfortunate Hotel, and as this is on the Federal Hotel website previously tried by the court, it seems we have a repeat offender. The prosecution rests.
Those could be beds with garish covers. Then again, they could be casket stands for the Fabulous Frou-Frou Twins, strippers who met an untimely death while rehearsing their new pole-dancing routine.
Conference facilities, or Elvis impersonator entering the viewing room for the eulogy?
The chair on the left with the lone green balloon is for the widow. I can only hope this is how Vegas strip clubs have a wake, because it’d be the most depressing Romanian wedding reception I’ve ever seen.
I’m sure Russia’s a lovely place, but I grew up in an era when no one corrected my thinking that they were an enemy from a cold, dark place that doesn’t even have toilet paper or Christmas.
It’s good to see that with the fall of Communist Russia, they’ve worked so hard to break that stereotype:
Be honest: When you look at this picture, which of the following best describes your thoughts?
1. “What a nice, relaxing place to have a long soak with a good book.”
2. “Whoo-hoo, honeymoon SWEET! Someone’s gettin’ it on tonight!”
3. “Please don’t hurt me, I swear I don’t know where Yuri hid the microfilm!”
And finally, because it has to be said:
In Russia, the dining room eats YOU. Is that just horrific lighting, or Soviet lasers that penetrate your brain as you eat on your final meal? Or is the color scheme meant to induce seizures so you’re docile when they come to take you away?