Unfortunate Hotels

Let me just say up front that Victor seems like a righteous dude who is completely justified in being proud of his eponymous B&B and the services he provides. And while the website may be an Angelfire/Geocities refugee from the early ’90s and the beds seem to come covered in pillows and/or towels, it’s clearly a labor of love and everything is photographed accurately. If I’m ever in Granada, Spain, I’d have no problems staying with Victor.

However:

OMG!

(Thanks to Pete at EuroCheapo!)

OK, so technically it’s not a hotel - I can break my own rules. And I simply had to for the Crystal Code. Because, let’s face it - with a name like that I had to make sure it’s not a meth house.

After extensive research, I am here to report that the jury’s still out on that one.

EXHIBIT A: “Crystal Code is an agency where you can rent flats in Belgrade for a day.”

A day? Do you charge by the hour as well? And, really, is there any nighttime for meth heads?

EXHIBIT B: The apartments have the following names, which read like the characters in a Tarantino movie:

• SUNNY is the vulnerable golden child who dies in the first 15 minutes from a meth overdose. Everything that happens for the rest of the film is done to avenge her death.
• ROBIN is the stringy-haired dealer who may or may not be gay; dies during an unrelated holdup in a 7-11 at a random point in the film.
• ROXY is ROBIN’s wife, and it is revealed in the final act that she is the real brains of the operation and a howling lesbian.
• SKY is ROXY’s secret lover. She’s a rag doll of a burned out hippie who has only one line in the film, but it’s the single most quoted line from the movie for the next 10 years.
• STAR is an over-the-hill gay ex-porn star (played by Tom Cruise in the role of his career) and the last one standing when the shooting’s done.
• GARDEN tends to the pot plants growing in the bathroom tub. He never leaves the bathroom. He is considered the sage of the group and people use the bathroom like a confessional while taking a crap.
• VENUS is the girl everyone wants, and the cause of much of their troubles.

EXHIBIT C:

There’s no freaking bed.

The Hotel Gardenia website has a pretty extensive photo gallery - including the contents of a minibar and complimentary toiletries - and they crammed all manner of things into each picture as well. So as you can imagine, I had a lot to work with.

Remember in Highlights Magazine for Children, they had those side-by-side pictures that seemed identical at first, but you had to find six differences between the two pictures?

Now you do.

And, of course, we have the obligatory useless hallway photo, complete with terrifying fake foliage of some sort:

I hope those rooms actually have doors. Let’s move on to the dining facilities, shall we?

MEAT MOUNTAIN! Breakfast, or science fair?

And for your leisurely pursuits, the hotel apparently offers multiple games of cut-throat poker. Because I can’t imagine any other reason why they would choose to cover those tables in such a garish shade of green.

Finally, this is an amusing switcheroo. Below is the photo of the pool area as seen on Venere’s website:

Fetching! And here is the picture on the hotel’s direct website:

The attention whore has been replaced by an urn. Please, think of the children.

I’m… not really sure what’s going on here.

I found this hotel on Venere.com, one of my favorite hotel sites not only for Unfortunate Hotels inspiration, but also for booking absolutely adorable hotels for myself and friends all over Europe.

The pictures did not disappoint, particularly those of beds that look like they were designed by Jacques Cousteau in a fit of nostalgia for his days on the undulating sea:

But as always, I plug the hotel into the Googles to see what’s going on with their own site. And this is when I got confused.

I’m taken to PUHIT S.A., where my first thought is, “The guy on the right and the girl on the left should totally get together.”

PUHIT S.A. is a company with many years of experience and with an established position on the market of hotel and conference services.

Uh, OK. Can I book a freaking room in Warsaw on here or not? I click on the come-hither girl, and am taken to PUHIT:: Puhit Puhit, and now I’ve got spittle all over my keyboard from saying this 15 times and laughing.

I have yet to see the phrase, “Atos Hotel” anywhere. But there is lots of other talk that I would be excited about if I were in middle management:

• focus on a continuous improvement of the customer service and hotel infrastructure
• our own dedicated conference facilities
• the diversity of our offer
• seven buildings with the total surface of 16 thousand square meters

Finally, I happen upon a page that has hotel names on it - lots of them. Ten of them, to be exact. And there… oh… there’s Hotel Atos! Great, let me book the room!

Unfortunately, I get caught up in a web of corporate speak and bad translation, and now I’m just tired and want to sleep in my own bed:

• differentiated decoration and equipment are valued and liked by the clients of the centre
• Hospitalization and nice service will make that the meal is condumed in nice atmosphere. (!!! Love.)
• guests can use also the box with drinks
• In the hotel there is a intimate hall, perfect to conduct trainings
• The persons travelling by cars can leave them on the fence paid car park.
• the night offer was prepared with the rooms not contaminatd with tobacco smoke

and finally,

Traditional Polish hospitalization and attractive conditions of the stay make that the hotel is a perfect proposal for the tourists and businessmen.

Gentlemen, it’s a deal.

In the Unfortunate Hotels rating system, I have two separate yet equally important pet peeves: The things they choose to show in pictures, and the websites themselves. These are my stories.

DUNH-DUNH:

I don’t even know what this is supposed to be a picture of. Does this hotel have only one room? What is wrong with this street that it would be absolutely impossible to get a decent picture of the outside of the building?

DUNH-DUNH:

I hope you don’t have to exit this area quickly, because you’d kill yourself trying not to trip over all that furniture. Also, this had better be in some kind of suite. I can’t imagine enjoying a breakfast for two while an old couple from Des Moines are sitting in those armchairs loudly talking about how they hope there’s a Mc Donald’s nearby.

DUNH-DUNH:

OMG! Petrified forest decoration has migrated from Croatia to France! I hope it had a safe trip.

Now that we’ve rounded up the suspects, let’s take a look at the prosecution of this case. DUNH-DUNH:

OK, you know Apple products? Or, rather, how Apple promotes those products, against a clean, white background with a Photoshopped reflective surface?

Of course you do. And, so does this web designer. But unfortunately, he was called away for an emergency the day they taught how to properly invert pictures to give the illusion of a reflective surface.

Your Honor, this is clearly an Unfortunate Hotel, and as this is on the Federal Hotel website previously tried by the court, it seems we have a repeat offender. The prosecution rests.

But not at this hotel.

Romanian hotel - or funeral in Vegas? YOU DECIDE.

First, the rooms:

Those could be beds with garish covers. Then again, they could be casket stands for the Fabulous Frou-Frou Twins, strippers who met an untimely death while rehearsing their new pole-dancing routine.

Conference facilities, or Elvis impersonator entering the viewing room for the eulogy?

The chair on the left with the lone green balloon is for the widow. I can only hope this is how Vegas strip clubs have a wake, because it’d be the most depressing Romanian wedding reception I’ve ever seen.

I feel like someone who thought they knew English wanted to name this Hotel Fancy. Just as someone who thought they knew interior design wanted to make the hotel fancy.

Instead, they dressed it for a funeral. And is that plant jumping up and down, or just especially frondy?

Some rooms look downright dismal, unless you’re a Bulgarian grandmother:

While other rooms had a makeover - until they ran out of money:

Which I guess is why their description states, “The hotel is mainly renovated.”

I’m sure Russia’s a lovely place, but I grew up in an era when no one corrected my thinking that they were an enemy from a cold, dark place that doesn’t even have toilet paper or Christmas.

It’s good to see that with the fall of Communist Russia, they’ve worked so hard to break that stereotype:

Be honest: When you look at this picture, which of the following best describes your thoughts?

1. “What a nice, relaxing place to have a long soak with a good book.”

2. “Whoo-hoo, honeymoon SWEET! Someone’s gettin’ it on tonight!”

3. “Please don’t hurt me, I swear I don’t know where Yuri hid the microfilm!”

And finally, because it has to be said:

In Russia, the dining room eats YOU. Is that just horrific lighting, or Soviet lasers that penetrate your brain as you eat on your final meal? Or is the color scheme meant to induce seizures so you’re docile when they come to take you away?